Thinking back to my three months in Discipleship Training School before I headed to Africa some memories stand out in my memory. There were afternoons spent with my Somali friend, Hawa. There were jogs and Tae Bo in the mornings. There were evenings volunteering at a local soup kitchen, The Mana Cafe. There were times of worship. There times of intense prayer.

I remember snippets of conversations and discussions. One of those snippets is of a girl, that I quite respected, declaring adamantly during one of our teaching times (the context I do not remember, sadly), "I'm emotional and I'm proud of it!" At the time I was perplexed by the fervor with which she stated that fact. I could relate to the emotional part - I am one of the more emotional females you will probably meet. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I feel deeply for other people. I didn't understand why she added the part about being proud, or why she said it with such ferocity.

Coming up on three years later, I understand now. I've had close friends get frustrated with my emotions. I've had relationships end because I'm too emotional. I've had coworkers roll their eyes at me. I've even had family members that just can't fathom what is going on inside of me.

I've taken steps and I've overcome a lot of the unhealthy aspects of the emotions. But I am still an emotional person. And I'm proud of it. That's the way God made me. I believe that my ability to feel deeply for other people and take their pain upon me as if it were my own is part of my Spiritual gift. It can all become so overwhelming, but I believe it's the way God wants me to be.

I still cry easier than other people. I choose to be thankful that I can feel emotions at such a deep level. My way of processing events are often tears and conversations. I'm sorry that it makes some people uncomfortable, but I'm not sorry for being this way. It is who I am and I am choosing to embrace what God has made.

I sat sideways in the overstuffed chair. My jack russell, Mocha, lay asleep on my lap. My bleary eyes took in the time on my phone, "1:57 AM". As I stood and stretched, I was reminded that God delivers inspiration and hope in unexpected ways.

I don't think any of us are ever ready for those conversations that will inevitably change our lives forever. We're never ready for that bad news or those unwelcome changes, but like it or not, they come.

God's grace really is sufficient. It doesn't mean that it's painless. Nor does it mean that it's easy or fear-free. It does mean that underneath the sinking feeling in your heart you know it's going to be all right; that somehow you and God are going to come out together on the other side.

I saw God last night. He was there in my friend's hugs, her listening ears and compassionate eyes. Unable to sleep, I popped in my most recent selection from Blockbuster Express. By the end of the movie I was able to breathe without the pain and anxiety tightening my stomach. It was going to be alright. Hope and relationships come from such unexpected places at such unexpected times. There's no situation that God cannot use. There's no situation that He will fail to make beautiful for those who put their trust in Him.

I'm still scared and I still don't like the situation. I'm in the process of denial and trying to accept that it is what it is whether I like it or not. But for the first time in a long time, I'm going into a dark and frightening situation knowing that God has my back. He is strengthening me moment by moment. He has surrounded me by friends and support - I don't have to walk through this on my own. The tears will still come. The fears will overwhelm. The frustration will build. Through it all, I'm trusting that my Jesus is enough.

I sat outside tonight on the patio of Panera. There was a balmy breeze to bring slight relief from the eighty-some degree weather. I listened to the conversations around me, occasionally adding my few cents and frequently adding some laughter. I was content. It felt good and right to be there. I insisted on my weekly ritual of hazelnut coffee with skim milk and two Splenda. Forget the fact that my underarms were growing damp. Coffee makes the world a better place.

I kicked off my flip flops and drew my knees up to my chest. With my arms around my knees I looked up off to the left. Above the gold and red umbrella attached to the table next to us, I could see the blue sky with brilliantly white, wispy clouds wafting across the horizon. I sighed happily. I lived in paradise.

I feel so honored to be able to help out with the youth group at my church. I'm always amazed by the things that make a difference in someone's life. A hug, a smile or a kind word can impact someone in ways I can't even imagine. I'm humbled that God still chooses to use me. He uses me despite my past failures and despite my current state of imperfection. He truly does use the foolish things of the world to shame the wise.

Usually I feel like I take as much away from the devotionals as the students. I believe those type of discussions and teachings are the most meaningful. It's so powerful when people from different stages of life and different ages can hear the same message and adapt it to their current situation. Tonight we talked about selfishness. (Did anyone else just cringe a little?)

Selfishness is such a painful topic in my life. Seeing as how many other people admit to the same struggle, I'm guessing I'm not alone. We're selfish from the moment we're born. As infants, we cried and wailed until our needs were met and our bodies told us we were satisfied. I think back through my life and some (not all, mind you, but more than I'd like) of the most poignant memories I have are moments of complete and utter selfishness. A sick feeling fills the pit of my stomach when those memories come to mind. I want things to be different. I want relationships to be healthier.

A few somewhat cheesy (consequently they are also statements that definitely stick in a person's mind), but true statements from tonight's devotional are as follows: There's no "I" in love (which is what we're called to do as Christians - love the Lord your God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself - although this feels like a spin off of the old: there's no I in team). "I" is in the center of sin. Also very true. I rarely sin because I'm thinking about someone else's best interest... Usually I'm chasing after what I think will make ME happiest.

Philippians 2:4-8

Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

Jesus gave us so much. There's the obvious - he gave up his perfectly innocent and sinless life for those of us that are immersed in so much sin it's disgusting. The slightly less obvious but still talked about - God the Father turned His back on Jesus for the first time ever. Jesus never had experienced being without the presence of God the Father. What pain and agony! We will never be able to fully comprehend it. Then there's the definitely less obvious - I'm not sure if I've ever really pondered it before (maybe I'm just odd and the majority of you have before and are sitting there wondering where in the world I've been) - Jesus gave up rights. He gave up the right to claim deity. He gave up the right to be treated as a King. He gave up the right to claim worship from every person that came into contact with Him. He had the right to be God, to be King, to be worshipped. Those were His divine rights. They've been His from the beginning. They are His now. He gave them up. All of them. I complain about doing someone else's job at work. I complain about doing more than my fair share around the house. I complain about doing more work on Sunday morning that other people (oh the audacity to complain about my stupid rights in the House of God! Forgive me, Lord).

How do I even begin to fight for my rights (which are mostly Western ideas anyway - not Biblical) when I stop and think of all my Savior gave up? For me - for you - for everyone. He did it all for us. The least I can do is put my desires and "rights" aside and serve (or dare I say love?) my neighbor a few more times a day than I already do.

It really is amazing how clear everything becomes when I spend time to meditate on the words of Jesus. I am at peace. I hope this somehow can encourage someone. I want to be real and open and honest. I don't want to speak in cliches and I don't want to come across as fake. My emotions and struggles are real and I honestly hope that I can convey that. My relationship with God is shaky at times, but it's also honestly the most important relationship in my life. I hope and pray that each day I can grow closer to living that truth out in my day to day life.